Fair warning: This is going to be a long post. I have provided pictures to get you through it … none of which have anything to do with the subject matter, but they make me happy.
For the last few months, I’ve been lackadaisical about eating/working out. Basically, I’ve done a decent job … but it definitely could have been better. I’m still trying to make adjustments in an effort to find habits that I can maintain as part of my lifestyle, and I guess I’ve erring on the side of “too relaxed” lately.
I joined a gym near our new apartment on Saturday, and as part of signing up, I went through a session with a personal trainer. I took some good things from the workout, including a reminder to shake things up early and often (mode of cardio, pace, rate and frequency of weight reps, etc).
Then, the part that everyone dreads … being weighed and body fat percentage-tested. I hate scales, so I tried not to put too much emphasis on that number, but it was the highest I’ve been in my life. Like, not even “ok, this sounds like a lot but I am still okay with it” high … seriously fat high. And, my body fat percentage is outrageous. Like, probably seriously impacting my health high.
I know I’ve gained some weight, but I didn’t quite realize it had gone this far.
As you can imagine, this scared the everloving shit out of me. I worked hard for 3-4 months, relaxed a bit the last couple months, and I haven’t even inched closer to the weight I was at three years ago. In fact, everything has gone higher. In addition to everything else, this made me feel like shit about my body. Negative body-talk reached an all time high over the last 24 hours, and even now I am trying desperately to stop.
So, long story short, I ended up signing up for a 1x/week personal training session for 12 months. It was a great price, and I’m pretty sure I’d see results, but when I later sat down to look at my budgeting, I realized there’s absolutely no way I can add this into my expenses and make any sort of dent in my credit card debt. I am supposed to have my first meeting with my trainer tonight, but I called this morning to let the gym know that I’m going to have to cancel the program (you have a 72-hour grace period to do so).
This makes me feel like shit for a number of reasons, including:
- I already tried to lose weight on my own through a number of methods. Clearly, it didn’t work.
- I’m worried that I’m going to get charged for something.
- My weight and body fat percentage are out of control. Maybe this is something I should do, and eat the cost.
I guess I’m just at a point where I’m questioning my ability to do this on my own. I am flat out not getting any support from BF on working out or eating well, so I’m doing this 100% solo. But it wasn’t good enough last time, and I really gave it my all! What if things just keep getting worse no matter how hard I try?
And then the rational part of me says, “calories in, calories out, Lex.” And I respond, “okay, back to My Plate it is.”
So, this morning I called the gym to cancel the personal trainer. I got to work early so I could re-calibrate my MyPlate account. I also took some time to organize a health journal that I plan to carry with me. MyPlate will be the main way that I count calories, but the journal includes the following for each day:
- Fruit/veg serving count
- Water count
- Place to check off that I remembered to take my vitamins
- Total calories
Basically, I thought about everything that I could be doing to benefit my body and my health, and I want to keep track of that in this journal. I’ve already organized information for the week. For the “workout” section, I’ve either written in a commitment to a class (spinning tomorrow, Yoga on Thursday), or put information from Gina‘s Summer Shape-Up 2010 on a sticky note so I can just take it out and put it on my waterbottle when I go to the gym … and then re-stick it on the journal when I get back.
I’m also going to dedicate time on Sundays to making food in bulk for lunches during the week. I made a batch of 4 of these quinoa black bean burgers yesterday, and have enough leftover quinoa for another meal (probably a tabbouleh-type thing). This way I’ll be able to save money and eat healthier.
It’s Monday. I’d already cried by 9:30 this morning. Creating the journal and re-activating MyPlate took the edge off, but I am still seriously freaked out and desperate-feeling. I am trying to think of today as the first day of Summer Shape Up, a start to a new week, the start of clean eating again, the third day that I’ve worked out in a row. It’s really hard right now, though 😦
Currently loving: Pirate Radio, my mom sending me the newest House of Night novel, taking action to incite positive change in my life (I am trying really hard to make this a big deal amongst the negativity in my mind)
flower image from Lel4nd
sunset image from Per Ola Wiberg
penguin image from Me-Liss-A