Lexd's Blog

I write about what I want!

“Get it off my chest” sort of entry October 19, 2010

Filed under: other — lexd @ 8:34 pm
Tags: , ,

The last two days have been a little rocky for me. (Well, sort of the last couple weeks, but whatever.) I finished training at the restaurant/bar on Sunday, after 2.5 weeks making tips for other people, and was excited to work last night … but it was too cold to have the patio open, so they called me off. Then, I looked at my schedule for this week and realized I’m not working a whole lot of hours (as in, a third of what I worked last week and the week before). And, I’m working fewer hours for my PR gig.

Combined, that means I have more time on my hands to let anxiety build. That is NEVER a good thing for me.

To deal, I’ve been mentally following the usual guidelines and reviewing the reasons that I should absolutely not freak out about this:

  • I just finished training at the restaurant. It’s not exactly reasonable for me to expect them to give me closing shifts on busy nights straightaway. I know this — I have to earn them, and that takes some time.
  • Fearless leader (aka boss at my PR gig) is spending some time to review and realign strategy. I came into this arrangement knowing these hours might fluctuate, depending on the workload. No reason to panic.

That being said, it is making me feel absolutely terrible to be awake and functional and yet not be making any money. I figured out that I am carrying a lot of guilt right now — BF is miserable and lonely in FL. In order for him to move up here in ~3 months, we both have to do our part financially. And, that’s not just saying that we need to pay bills — we need to build up some savings so we can afford to live on my salary alone while he looks for a job.

I guess all this just hit at once (when it rains it pours … thanks, universe), and I’m in a whirlwind of “what do I do?!” I can’t meet my goals based on my current hourly work schedule at both jobs. I know I shouldn’t really judge things as of today (given the reasons above), but I’m starting to get worried about meeting my financial goals. That being said, I also don’t really want to jump the gun and look for a full-time job because:

  • When serving picks up, I know I’ll be making money that way (seriously, the girl I worked for walked with at least $300 last Friday night).
  • I enjoy my PT PR gig — both the company itself and working with fearless leader. I’m learning new things about an industry I thought I was falling out of love with, and I’m continually being challenged.

But, it’s halfway through October. We’re trying to get BF up here before January 23. I’m starting to feel a crunch. So much so that I actually cried on the phone with fearless leader this morning (I’m still embarassed, so unprofessional).

I’m sure I’m overthinking this right now because I have too much time on my hands, but I’ve been mulling this over for a couple days, and I just needed to get it all out there so I could clear some space in my mind. SO:

On the positive side: I know that I am where I am supposed to be. I know there’s a solution to this situation, and that it will come to be without me freaking out and trying to force something to happen. I know that I am giving 100% to everything right now.

Maybe it’s time to get away from the computer and go enjoy the beautiful fall weather for an hour.

Currently loving: The crate of apples my parents brought back from Eastern Washington (TIME TO MAKE PIES!!), “Dog Days are Over,” by Florence + The Machine, emails from my dad like this one:

“Lex,

I am here for you any time you want. I promise to just listen. You are growing by leaps and bounds. Growing’s not all fun. You have the whole world out there for you. You are an amazing person. Love, Dad_D.”

image from *Micky

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